Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Think About This

On Sunday, I was sitting in church trying desperately to focus on the service. But it was hard. Because I kept getting completely side-tracked by other stuff, like the fact that Father had rounded up EIGHT altar boys for our service (and had TEN for the Vigil). And the sight of the two littlest boys hauling around our church's biggest brass candlesticks loaded up with fresh towering candles was just too cute for words.

Those two novice altarboys performed admirably, except for one premature appearance in front of the altar, after which Father had to shoo them off ---(psst! Stage Right, guys!) -- and they wobbled themselves and their enormous flickering candles back to the sacristy to await their correct cue. I actually sneaked out of the pew to grab a shot of them during Mass. John was appalled, hehe. I was disappointed because the older boys were closest to the camera and completely hid the little boys. Can you imagine what would have happened if I would have tried to re-arrange them? Oh, man....

The altar server A team.

Where was I now....oh, right. Being distracted. Ha!

I finally collected myself so that at one point I actually was sitting quietly, trying to pray. Among my several usual petitions as always was a prayer for healing; specifically for a release from my autoimmune disease.

Nothing unusual. Except -- as I sat there, an unbidden thought came into my consciousness. It was very forceful and took me completely aback. It was, "How would you live your life differently if you were healed? What would you be doing if you were healthy? What would you change?"

My goodness.

My first inclination was to look around at the crowded sanctuary and ask, Who, me? Me -- made healthy and new? Are you talking to ME?

I turned the question over and over in my mind, trying to examine it: Where did it come from? How did this make me feel? Why was I asking myself this now? And if I had a chance to be whole and healthy again, what would I change about who I am and what I'm all about?

Was I even entertaining the idea that these questions were initiated by God? And if they were, was I being so ridiculous as to try to bargain with God? To add a note of negotiation in my prayers? That if I came up with a really, really good answer to those questions ......... well, who knows.

Even though I have prayed for eight or more years for healing, why did it take until Easter Sunday 2012 for me to consider that someday my prayers had a chance of being answered?

So many questions, and not one answer. I don't know. I just. don't. know.

What would YOU do if you were miraculously and completely cured?


Tricia said...

Wow! What a thought provoking post! Hopefully I will discover something about myself by trying to answer this question. Thank you for asking it.

Blogger Mama said...

Hmmm.... This really made me think. I'd like to say that I have some fantastic answer to that. But, truly, I don't think I'd be doing anything earth shattering if I were to suddenly wake up without SJS. Maybe play a few more games on the floor with my daughter? Whatever it was it would definitely be to her benefit.

However, I have been getting this feeling lately that I am doing more good in the position I am in now, with Sjogren's, than I would be doing without it. I feel like there is a divine purpose behind why God has given me the life that He has. Now I am just trying to figure out what. :o)

Amy Junod said...

I don't think that I appreciated a healthy, fit body before my illness. If I woke up tomorrow all cured I wouldn't know where to begin. I would with great certainty focus on what mattered most though. Sjogrens sure does change a person's perspectives and priorities.

stephanie said...

Okay, thanks a lot, Julia. I'm at work, reading your post and am trying hard not to cry, probably because I'm struggling with joint pain right now. What a great question! I would dance and thank God. I would work more in the garden and thank God. I would exercise more and freely moving and thank God. But maybe, now that I think about it, after a while, I might forget to thank God. This danged sick body might be making me cling to him more.... Oh, what a weak person I am.

cargillwitch said...

I would run and do more marathons I suppose. If I had known this was coming perhaps I would have pushed that envelope more and earlier than I did. I am very grateful I had my four children earlier in life.This must be so very challenging with little ones.
However like many others have expressed the change has brought with it unexpected introspection that without a change in health status I don't know would have occurred.The lessons I have learned, am learning and am yet to learn might be lost to me otherwise. More than the disease being a tragedy this loss might be greater.I truly believe the universe is unfolding as it should and I need not dream otherwise.

Esther said...

Thankyou for such thought provoking questions. My first thoughts were of course I would walk more, lose weight, and volunteer at our local Salvation Army kitchen. Then I had a revelation. Whats stopping me now from starting now ?

Thanks Julia

Anonymous said...

Completely restored? I would inform my church of this miracle right away. I would get verification from my doctors. Now, those blood tests with all their telltale figures would be concrete evidence that this miracle had occurred. I would send that to my pastor and a few other people of deep faith that I would like to tell. Then I would clean and organize the house for optimum efficiency. I would give away most of my wardrobe to the struggling young women I know and take the rest to Pathways for Women. I could start holding fellowship meetings at our house for these women and get back to my other charities I used to be involved with. I could travel again. I would feel confident that I would have the physical and mental fortitude to be there for my future grandchildren, to tell them of the miracle I received from the Lord and to teach them in all of His ways.

Anonymous said...

my disability is an invisible one - mental illness, managed with medications and therapy - due to significant childhood trauma. i don't know what I would do if I were miraculously and completely cured. i think i would be a different person. not much of a believer in God, except in a force of good that tries to counterbalance the force of evil in the world - but the language of the Catholic church was part of the trauma and abuse, so that's the only part I can grasp that does not turn into self abuse.