Thursday, May 6, 2010

Pie Demise

I haven't been quite up to snuff for the past few days. To phrase this delicately, any food that I ingest doesn't stay ingested for long. As in finding the nearest Julia exit rapidly and forcefully.

It all started a few days ago when my friend Bev called, and our conversation went something like this:

"Hey, Jul! C'mon over! I rented the movie It's Complicated and made a banana cream pie!" Bev makes a killer banana cream pie. It's wonderfully rich and piled high with fresh bananas, creamy vanilla custard, and topped with mounds of sweet whipped cream. Oh, man.

Gosh, Bev......I would love to see the movie and I LOVE your pie, but the calories......

"So come over and I'll hide the pie."

I showed up at her house, fork in hand, three minutes later. And left her house three hours later, having eaten a quarter of the pie and abdominal muscles tired from laughing non-stop.

So I woke up the next morning with stomach gurgling, and will spare you the details of the next two days. Wasn't pretty.

Bev says that she and her family finished off the pie without any intestinal incidents, so I know that my GI problems aren't pie related, and I'm glad that I didn't share the virus brewing inside my innards with her. Still, I find myself blaming this whole incident on a perfectly innocent banana cream pie.

There may be a silver lining of sorts in this situation. Because even though it wasn't the cause, I don't think I could look at another piece of pie for a very long time without also thinking about the unpleasantness of the last few days, which is probably a very good thing for me, calorie-wise.

Dang. I used to love pie. I've always been a pie person. Not that I would ever turn down a piece of cake, but if I had my druthers, before the BBCP (Bev's banana cream pie) incident, I would have always chosen a piece of pie vs. a piece of cake.

I wanna be a pie person. I like pie people.

Pie people like kitchen tables covered with checkered tablecloths. They like sitting around with large groups of friends, eating pie and drinking large mugs of freshly-brewed coffee. We pie people like to smile broadly, and don't care if a bit of strawberry or apple becomes wedged between our front teeth, because we know our friends will point this out to us after chuckling for awhile.

Pie people wear pants that have elastic inserts in the waistbands and comfortable shoes. We try not to wear white blouses or shirts in case we goober a bit of pie while indulging. But if given the choice of avoiding a laundry issue or enjoying a wedge of blueberry pie a la mode, well......the pie wins every time.

I don't know how to identify myself now that I cringe when I think of pie. I feel as though I've been kicked out of a really great club. I've been a lifetime card-carrying pie club member.......

*Sob* Sigh. *sniffle*

Well now, perhaps it's really not so bad. Maybe it's just time to broaden my horizons, expand my universe and all that sort of thing. Maybe the cake people would let me join their club.  I love carrot cake.....and Mom's home made chocolate cake with her fudge frosting served with a tall frosty glass of milk........

Hey, guys? Can I be part of your cake club? Please? Guys? Lemme in!

Awesome image above by


annie said...

Julia, I really envy you your pie eating ability to date. Alas, I no longer eat pie or cake or cookie. What can I say, I live a life deprived of all goodies except for a piece of dark chocolate, now and then. We do not do so well with rich foods...maybe you reacted to dairy (custard and whipped cream),which is something sjoggies do not digest well.As someone with many IBS issues, I hope this is a passing phase for you, not a permanent problem. Rest up.
P.S. while this is a serious matter you are blogging about, I could not help but laugh at the caption and the images...thanks for the laugh.

Julia Oleinik said...

Hi Annie!

You're probably right about the rich foods/dairy relationship to IBS.


I envy you your ability to "just say no" to these foods! Send me some of your willpower, girl!

Jenny P said...

I too am a pie person, and as such morn your pie club hiatus. However, I stand ready to welcome you back when your pie-induced change of mental status reverses (and I'm sure it will).

My one gripe about pie, however, is crust. Other than the crumb topping on my personal homemade apple pie and the cookie crumb crust of a cheesecake (not that I care that much for the actual cheesecake part), I usually leave it behind. Ah well, nothing's perfect!