Friday, May 2, 2014

These Shorts are Stupid

You can buy your very own dumb stupid paper shorts here. But if you do, for heaven's sake don't tell me about it. I don't want to know why anyone would pay for a box of these.

Yesterday, I dutifully appeared at my physiatrist's office for a follow up appointment and I was cranky. Cranky for several reasons:
  • They made me take off my perfectly good stretchy Lands End pants and replace them with a pair of too-short paper shorts. AAAACCCCCKKK. Plus sized middle aged women with weirdo lupus spots on her thighs and calves don't belong in a pair of paper shorts. 
  • In spite of rigorously completing all of the exercises that he had advised me to do on my previous visit, my right bun and lower back still hurt like heck. 
  • And after only walking for short distances, my right foot still was going numb which was seriously cutting into my shopping outings. 
Oozing youthfulness and optimism, my doctor bounded into the exam room immediately after I discovered that when I walked around in the dumb stupid paper shorts I made an extremely irritating scritch-scritch sound. He invited me to sit down and I carefully eased myself onto the exam table. I was concerned that those flimsy things would split with very little provocation.

"So. All better now after two weeks of those exercises I gave you?"

I didn't want to glare at him. He really is a nice guy. Instead, I just sighed and told him that not only did the exercises NOT help, they seemed to make things worse.

"I'm sorry to hear that." His optimism changed to a look of concern.

He put me through another round of "bend this way walk tippy toe bend that way" type of maneuvers,  during which the dumb stupid paper shorts surprisingly stayed intact. He checked my reflexes next and frowned when he tapped my right achilles tendon. "Hmm."


"You don't have a reflex response. So you've definitely some nerve issues there. I think it's time we did a little deeper investigation into what's going on. I'm going to schedule a MRI for you, and then we'll think about doing some kind of steroid injection into the problem area of your back."

Which would be where in my back, exactly?

"I'm thinking it's probably S-1. We'll know for sure after your imaging studies."

Do you still think the pain is caused by a disk problem? 

"It could be. But I'm wondering if you've got a spinal stenosis there."

Ducky. Just ducky, I thought.

Image found here. 

As soon as I returned home, my phone rang. I was surprised to hear the MRI scheduling secretary on the line so quickly. "We can do your MRI tonight, if you're available. Six thirty?"

I figured I may as well get it over with. Sure. Thank you.

Aside from being noisy, the MRI was uneventful. And they didn't make me wear paper shorts.


Which leaves me wondering what the heck my spine is doing. Hopefully the MRI results will shed some light on things. I'd really like to be able to walk for more than a few blocks without my hinder hurting and my leg going numb.

I'll be waiting impatiently for my next appointment to find out my results. But when I go, I'm not wearing the dumb stupid noisy annoying paper shorts. A girl has her limits, after all.


Sue said...

Hi Julia, maybe you should bring your own shorts to the next appointment. Maybe Landsend has a pair that you would like. Unfortunately that would mean more shopping. Darn!

annie said...

How did you manage with the MRI? I've had a couple because of back issues and not a pleasant experience just because it's so loooooong under that machine! I also have spinal stenosis and so does my Mom. I think it goes hand in hand with having disk problems. Good luck, Julia.

mcspires said...

If you HAVE to wear paper shorts, they should be issued prior to the mandatory weigh in. I agree with Sue - wear your own shorts to the next appointment. I have been known to do that just because the shorts might weigh less when I have to get on the scale, LOL!

ShEiLa said...

I have cervical stenosis... C3-4 C4-5 C6-7.... Yes my neck is a mess!!!! I would have pitched a huge campaign against those stupid shorts. I would have never put them on.... I am a hothead though about things like that. I would have walked out and cancelled before wearing those.

Heda said...