Friday, April 25, 2014

Just Another Adventure With Bev

Yep. Looked just like this one. You can buy your very own here

As always, when I discuss an outing that occurred with my friend Bev, I feel the need to preface the accounting of events with this disclaimer:

I swear. This is the truth. I'm not making it up or exaggerating. Honest. 

Yesterday, my phone rang and it was the Bevster. "I know you don't have a thing to do today. I'm kidnapping you. Let's go to the casino! We could even spend the night if we win big!"

Um. OK. don't think staying overnight would be a good idea. I'd probably get pretty tired.

(Actually, what sparse amount of gambling money that I would be taking with me would evaporate long before it would be time to head home.)

Within the hour, Bev and I were speeding south on I-5. I told her that I would drive because the seats in my car have an adjustable lumbar support for my back, but mostly thinking that I could forcibly pry her out of the casino and drive her home if the need arose. Bev loves the casino.

So we're gabbing away like crazy, sipping on our mochas, and Bev is rummaging around in one of the three purses that she brought along.

Yes. Three.

One is a large tote bag, another is her regular purse, and the third is her gambling purse. She had her head buried in the large tote bag while she was transferring stuff from her regular purse to her smaller gambling purse. I heard a curious sound like a short hiss.

Suddenly, her head shot straight back and she began to gasp.

"What. The. Hell?!" She quickly rolled down the car window and began to gag as an unbelievably horrible smell permeated the car. "Oh, crap. The bear repellent went off!"

Yes. My good friend Bev detonated a spray bear repellent IN MY CAR AS I WAS DRIVING 70 MILES PER HOUR.

First off, until that moment I had no idea what a bear spray thingie was. Or even that such a product exists. Secondly, I also had not the slightest clue why Bev would own one, much less carry it around in her purse so that she could accidentally set it off as her foot kicked her bag.

BEV! I'm going to pull over!!

At this point she had quit gagging and coughing long enough to make certain that the liquid part of the spray was contained in her tote bag. Which it was, thank God. "Oh, no. Don't stop. We're almost to the casino. We'd just be wasting valuable time."

Bev. Are you sure you're all right? It's pretty stinky in here. I rolled all four windows down.

She stuck her head back into the tote bag and repeated the gagging and coughing. "No, [cough]
 really I'm fine. [gag]." She found a ziplock bag and began to triage the bear-bombed articles from the non-bear-bombed things. There were very few things that were NOT bear-bombed. "CRAP!"

What?! What?!

"I rubbed my eyes." She was alternately gagging and choking with the new addition of reddened eyes streaming tears.

We pulled into the casino parking lot and found a parking space directly next to a garbage can. Oh, look, Bev. You can throw all the stuff away in here.

She held up the still dripping can and regarded it thoughtfully. While gagging and coughing and tearing. "Rick will KILL me if he finds out. Maybe we should just wipe it off and keep it. These things cost fifty bucks!"

Girl. I love you like a sister but you are not getting back into my car with that thing.

She sighed. "You're right. We'll just have to tell Rick that we had to fight off a bear. In your car. On the way to the casino."

We looked at each other and began to hoot with laughter. I'm sure the folks around us thought we had gone slightly batty.

I'm guessing that she had this um...unusual...product because she and her husband travel to Alaska frequently and venture out of the cities into the wilderness. But I'm not going to ask her because I'm afraid she'll show me another can and detonate that one too.

I was telling John the story after Bev and I arrived safely back home, she having won a considerable amount of money at the blackjack table (none of the poker dealers seemed to mind the fact that her cash smelled pretty awful) and me with the expected empty purse. Incredibly, my car was not bear stinky. I can not imagine how we escaped having to have the interior of my car cleaned right down to the chassis.

He sighed. "I wish I could tell you I am surprised, hon...."

Ah. He knows our Bev.


Gertrude said...

Some co-workers were hiking and came across a snake. One of them used Bear spray but accidentally sprayed all the women. They all had to go to ER that night. One ended up with eye surgery due to damage from the spray in her eyes. She was LUCKY she didn't ruin her eyes...and LUCKY at Black Jack. What a story!

mcspires said...

I am jealous - you have such delightful friends! If I move closer, will you share them?

Unknown said...

Such wonderful stories, gave me a great laugh!

Heda said...

LOL Your friends are just like you!