Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Have I Got a Deal for You, Lady...

After my recent trip to the podiatrist and having been diagnosed with bunions, hammer toe, and metatarsalgia for cryin' out loud, I realized that I have become very weird.

Well. More weird than usual.

Weird because I have started to hang around the foot care sections of department stores. Weird because I have spent a great deal of time looking online for bunion pads, hammertoe splints, metatarsal socks and pads and inserts. Weird because....

Weird because even my private musings have begun to center on my dumb stupid foot pain. We were doing some errands on Sunday and I was thinking about how expensive all this stuff is. I mean, I've dropped a bundle of cash on all this foot junk er, helpful health and beauty care items. I started to snicker and John looked over at me. "OK. What's so funny this time?"

I felt comfortable discussing my weirdo thoughts with him since unbelievably he has hung around with me for almost 35 years. There's no one out there except John who understands the breadth and depth of my weirdo-ness.

I was thinking that since all these podiatry related products are so expensive that I'll bet there's a black market for them somewhere.

John hopped right into Julia-land. Without hesitation. What a guy. "Yeah. Like maybe a shady looking character standing on a corner wearing a big black trench coat with all these pockets on the inside."

Right. And I'd walk by and he's sidle over to me and say something like, "Pssst. Hey lady. Yeah. You with the hammertoe and bunions and metatarsalgia."

John laughed.

And I'd say, Who. Me? And his eyes would get all shifty. And then he's say, "Yeah. I'm talkin' to you. Get a load of this." And he's glance around to make sure that a cop wasn't in eyeshot. He'd whisper, "I got the latest authentic Dr. Scholls stuff right here, lady. For a fraction of retail."

He'd let his coat open just a teensy bit, just enough to show the pockets inside crammed with moleskin pads and arch supports and brightly colored shoe inserts.

John said, "Exactly! And he'd have a friend of a friend that could hook you up with some really high-end custom orthotics but only for cash and if you let him measure your foot in a dark alley somewhere."

 AND he and his pals would run this joint where you came to the door and someone on the other side would open a peep hole and ask for the secret password. And if you got inside, you could buy orthopedic shoes that were probably hot. But nobody would know they were stolen goods because shoes don't have VIN numbers like cars do. Cash on the barrel, and they'd get wrapped up in plain brown paper. And you'd disappear into the dark night with your package tucked under your arm....

We both laughed until we snorted. Ah, yes.

Oh, brother. I think I really, really need to get a life, people. A bunion-free one.


Kelly said...

So funny! I feel your metatarsalgia, hammer toes and need for orthotics and the expense of all the OTC remedies for same. I resisted podiatrists and orthotics for years but I have to say once I got my custom orthotics I became a believer. And when I get that callous over my metatarsal head that hurts so much it effectively prevents me from walking, the podiatrist can give me instant relief! He's a magician! Here's hoping you've got a good podiatrist and good insurance and that you get some blessed relief from the pain, both physical and financial, in your feet.

Angana said...

Oh, this is just so delightful! I can practically hear e New York accent an see the scene unfolding in black and white in my head!

I wish you well in your search for relief!

Melody said...

You guys just have too much fun! So does this foot problem thing just go along with Sjogren's too? I started having problems with Plantar Fasciitis several years ago, it kind of comes and goes but never really goes. At least now I can go barefoot in the house - for about 10-15 minutes before I need to put my slippers or shoes back on. I have inserts in all my shoes. When it first started I could barely walk until I got a pair of arch supports. Kind of limits what kinds of shoes you can wear. No more flat flip-flops or strappy sandals. Ah, well.

Unknown said...

Soooo can you get measured for custom whatevers at the expensive shoe store without seeing the podiatrist? (dear lord not another doctor...)

My feets hurt. Real bad. Plaquenil helped, but man, I'm so sick of trying to find shoes that fit....

Frankly, it was the foot pain that was the final straw for me quitting my job. I just couldn't do it anymore.

Annette said...

That foot pain can seriously interfere with your enjoyment of life. Even after the worst was past the feet resisted improving. Now I found a great orthotist who has them made on her premises and will keep adjusting.
The students were telling me I have a lean to the right (so humiliating politically to be with the dinosaurs) and also that my head is crooked (to the right of course) so I hope the orthotist can straighten me out/I see her on Tuesday

ShEiLa said...

I paid $450 for custom shoe inserts to help relieve the pain of bunions and correct the mechanics of my foot. It didn't work... What a waste.