Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I'm Slipping

Medieval torture device slip found here. 

As much as I wah wah wah about my issues with Sjogren's syndrome, not all of my life's problems can be blamed on autoimmune disease. Unfortunately. How many of you recall my infamous "Julia drank too much wine and walked right out of her half-slip in front of a room full of priests, a bishop, and notable Catholic honorees" incident? Anyone? Everyone? 

I will never live that one down. Never. And, I suppose I don't really deserve to either. 

But as I'm choosing a dress to wear for my nephew's wedding in a few weeks, I am determined that regardless of what dress or shoes I choose to wear, that my undergarments WILL REMAIN WHERE THEY SHOULD BE. No matter what. Terese thinks that I should just use the same slip and add duct tape. Hm. 

So I've been looking around at full slips, and my goodness. Finding a regular silky slip with straps in black and in my size is almost impossible! At least it seems that way. Everything that I've seen so far is made of spandex or some other squeeze-you-till-you-can't-breathe material. In desperation, I bought one and decided to try it on at home. 

I finally worked up the courage to try to get the thing on the other day, and here's the blow-by-blow account as I described this experience to my sister via text message: 

Oh. My. GAWD. Have you ever tried to put on a Spanx full slip?!

I have heard not so fun stories about this garment..

WHAT was I thinking?! It's one thing to put it on but I can't get the stupid thing OFF! 
So do I wait for John to get home or should I call 911 to get out of this thing?


Or maybe I should go over to Terese at the church office and ask her to help. 
Can't u just see it.....

Go with the Terese option!!

Yeah. I'm thinking that this could be good. Especially if Father O. is there. 

I got a less industrial version of Spanx.

The kind with legs? I wouldn't even try those. I would have asphyxiated myself by now. 
As it is, this slip is one long black tube of torture.

But the girls on the labels wearing them look so........happy.

Maybe I should just learn to live with this thing wadded up under my bra FOREVER.

Like my friend Pam at work says, "It's all got to go somewhere!"

Yeah, well....right now I have no neck. 
THAT's where all mine is right now. 
And my ankles.

Maybe I should try mine on again tonight to feel your pain..

**cue 1812 overture** FREE!!!!!!!!

Well, that's a relief

Girl. You have no idea.
That's it. Slip or no slip, I declare this wedding a Spanx-free zone.

Oh, (our other sister) has already told me that she's a Spanx rebel. 

Yes!! Anti-Spanx solidarity FOREVER!! 
Bring on the wedding cake...

As I returned the slip to the store for a refund, I returned to the lingerie department and realized that my search would have to continue elsewhere. Rats. 

Maybe the duct tape isn't such a bad idea after all.  


SLCCOM said...

If you look onlne for "Full Slip Black" you can find some. Also check thrift shops!

Hilarious story. Thanks for sharing.

Gill said...

Many years ago, a fashion industry insider told me that the models of old (and presumably a few others) relied on invisible tape a lot. Facelift, holding up 'bits' etc? Is duct tape the modern equivilent? Do they do a transparent version? Please mail me details - and the address of a bulk supplier - there is a lot to lift!

Cindy Loomis-Torvi said...


I was reading this aloud to my dear husband and after he realized what the Spanx were he joined me in laughing. Having got caught in one of these buggers a while ago, we were relating. There is certainly something to be said for two piece outfits-you can have two pieces of that stuff on and it doesn't kill you quite as much. Or in my case, simply get the killer panty hose instead. Since this year was the year my illness became full blown, I have never been so glad that my son and my new daughter in law eloped. I couldn't fit in anything I had in my closet due to the swelling pre treatment meds. I hope your journey to find your slip arrives at the slip you've been looking for!