Friday, April 22, 2011

Take This And Don't Call Me In The Morning

Blog Prompt Day Twenty Two: Your doctor writes a wacky prescription for you. What is it?

Dr. K. pushed his glasses up on his nose as he thoughtfully reached for a pen.

"Julia, I just don't know what to do with you anymore. You're such a non - compliant patient." He put up his hand to silence my retort. "Look. You've simply got to lose some weight. You know it. I know it. Your schnauzers know it. Everyone knows it. Weight loss would help ease your arthritis symptoms, and we could give you less medication if your BMI was a lower number."

I glared at him but didn't say a word. Because I knew he was right.

"Drastic times call for drastic actions." He tapped the pen on his desk. "I hate to do it, but I'm going to write a prescription for a year's worth of calorie police monitoring."


"Yes. The calorie police. It's a squad of dedicated individuals that will follow your every move for every day for one year."

You're kidding me.

"No. Not at all. I've only had to write this prescription once before....and I didn't think I would have to again. But you leave me no choice." He peered over the top of his glasses and pushed a red button on the wall. "There's no escaping the CP, so don't even try."

Immediately, three svelte, grey uniformed women marched into the exam room. They wore skin tight spandex neck to toe leotards and black boots. Each had her hair pulled back into a tight chignon and carried a small yellow taser stun gun. They stood silently in a line in front of the door with arms crossed and met my astonished gaze with stoic determination.

Dr. K. cleared his throat. "Look, don't mess around with these ladies. Their instructions are to monitor every morsel that goes into your mouth. Once your 1200 calorie allotment is consumed for the day, any attempt to ingest anything aside from water and non-caloric beverages with be met with a serious deterrent." He looked meaningfully at the stun guns held in each of the women's hands. "They will leave this appointment with you and will remain by your side for a year. They will also accompany you to your exercise outings and will provide...ahem...motivation if you choose not to cooperate."

I opened my mouth to protest but once again he held up his hand. "I've spoken to your husband and he's agreed to this. I'll see you again in three months. We'll weigh you then. I expect to see considerable progress. Good-bye."

I didn't know what to say or do, but sat slack jawed in disbelief. The nearest calorie policewoman gave me a nudge with her taser. "Julia. It's time to go."

As we headed out of the exam room, my mind was whirling. This couldn't be possible. It couldn't be legal. And John approved of this? I shook my head. Well, Dr. K. was right about one thing, I thought. Drastic times DO call for drastic action. I surreptitiously slid my hand into my purse and felt for my cell phone, then palmed it into my pants pocket.

"Ladies," I said as authoritatively as I could. "You aren't really going to follow me everywhere, are you?"

Silence. Determined stares.

"Even the bathroom??"

The tallest of the CP spoke. "Of course not. I'm assuming you don't store food in there, do you?"

Duh. NO!

"Then that would be an appropriate time for us to step away from your side."

Ah. Well, girls, I really have to go to the bathroom now. Mind if we stop off before leaving the clinic?

"This would be acceptable. But you must allow us to search your purse first for food products."

Good grief. I handed my purse over and they gathered around it as they examined every item. As they handed it back, I headed into the ladies room. Once inside, I hit the speed dial for Terese.

"Hello?" Thank God she was at her phone.

I spoke quietly but urgently. Girl! Where are you? It's an emergency!!

"What did you do now?" Nothing surprises Terese anymore.

I'll explain later but you have to pick me up at the clinic. The BACK door of this clinic. You know where that is?

"Sure. I'm actually at the grocery store not far from there. Why?"

You won't believe it until you see it. Just get here asap. Park near the back side of the building and give a little toot on your car horn when you get here. Keep the motor running and watch for me.

I took my time, flushing the toilet repeatedly and then washing my hands and running the electric hand driers several times.

Be right out, ladies! I shouted at the door. I could hear them shuffling their boots on the tile floor. After what seemed like forever, I heard the sound of a car just outside the bathroom window.

Beep. Beep.

Yes! I tentatively cracked the bathroom door and peeked into the hallway. All three CP were leaning against the wall studying their fingernails in boredom.

I closed the door quietly and turned to study the size of the bathroom window thoughtfully. Yes, yes. This just might work. I carefully raised the window as quietly as I could, while hitting the hand drier with my foot.


Just before the drier automatically shut off, I pushed the screen out and leapt through the window, landing on the rhododendron below. Terese stared at me in disbelief as I plucked the bright red flowers from my hair and threw myself into her SUV.

Go, woman, GO!! I shouted. She hit the gas and we screamed out of the parking lot, tires squealing. The girl can drive.

"Where to?" she asked.

Krispy Kreme!! And step on it!!!

Image found here.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like a fun afternoon. I'm there!

Mike said...

Good one!

Anonymous said...

Great prescription! Glad I found it through the #HAWMC link!

Lisa said...

The sad thing is that almost all doctors tell you to lose weight and don't offer any real help in how to do that. It's pathetic because if you do find a way to lose any weight at all there is a 98% chance that you will gain it back in a year. Why do they bother?

Kelly said...

Rx: LaughUSA on Sirius XM, one hour t.i.d.