Wednesday, August 5, 2009

It's A Miracle

Image found here.

We leave for vacation in just two days, and even though a great deal of our plans include swimming pools and lakes, I still don't have a swimming suit yet.

I'm in swim suit denial.

I know - almost every adult woman in the whole world hates the idea of squeezing themselves into some revealing spandex thingie and then parading themselves around in public. The ones that don't hate that idea, are hated by the ones that do. So there.

I have to say I did make an attempt to find a suit. I made several trips to the mall and crankily rifled through the racks of bikinis and one-piece suits and swim shorts and tankinis. A man must have dreamed up the word tank to describe a piece of women's clothing. Honestly. Can you think of any word that would be less flattering to a woman?

Finally I went online to look at several companies that claim to make suits that actually fit. So I rummaged around in my sewing stuff to find a measuring tape made of cloth. I deduced that John's metal carpentry measuring tape probably wouldn't be accurate or comfortable when measuring bust sizes. I sucked in my belly until I couldn't hold my breath any longer and placed the measuring tape with my eyes scrunched shut.

After I opened one eye and warily looked at my actual measurements, I decided to order a suit that was described as a "Miracle Suit". It promised to shave away any extra pounds and lift and separate and minimize and maximize everything. So what if it costs a small fortune? What price can you put on an article of clothing that can deliver all that?

After the package was delivered, I let it sit on my bedroom dresser for two days before I worked up the courage to open it and actually try the stupid thing on.

The suit must have been designed by some evil contortionist. By the time I had it on, I was dripping with perspiration and panting as though I had run a marathon. I flopped back on the bed to recover my breath before I could walk to my mirror.

So the suit did flatten and enhance and minimize everything that it covered. My jaw dropped in disbelief when I saw what it did to everything that it didn't cover.

You know those long balloons that clowns use to twist into doggies and other strange balloon creatures? When they manipulate the balloon, the air that gets squished from one section of the doggie just moves over to inflate another part of the balloon.

Can you tell where I am going with this? Everything that this stupid piece of spandex squeezed in one location, moved to blob out at another location. Yikes. I had boobs that went all the way up to my eyebrows. And I won't even begin to discuss where the belly jiggles went......I laughed until I cried.

The only thing miraculous about the Miracle Suit is that I got it off without giving myself a hernia. That puppy was back in it's box and on route to a full refund by day's end.

I still don't have a new suit. I shouldn't be out in the sunshine, anyway. And there probably is some good reason that a Sjoggie shouldn't be in an indoor swimming pool either. Um, right. Yeah.

I am beginning to see the wisdom of our female ancestors that swam in full length woolen dresses. Think I could get my hands on one of those these days? I could call it a retro-suit.



Anonymous said...

I think some photos are called for here. come on....

Julia Oleinik said...

Never. In. A. Million. Years.