Every year since my diagnosis, as I'm planning our holiday activities I have found myself thinking Next year I'll feel better and this will be easier. It's a strategy that gets me through those nasty post holiday crash times.
But this year, I have given up on that sentiment. I'm limping around because of killer knee and leg pain and am still struggling to regain my energy levels from a few months ago; which is certainly not better than last year. I require an enormous amount of rest yet still have several the ground just dropped out from beneath my feet fatigue episodes. Gosh. I'd give my eye teeth if I could feel with complete sincerity that in a year's time I would have less pain and more energy.
But after several years during which the holidays have become progressively more difficult for my body to handle, I'm not feeling the optimism and I'm not going to imagine that next year will be any better. To my great surprise this feels kind of.......like relief. It feels rather liberating not to feel as though I am required to meet a very difficult-to-achieve goal that amounts to grinding my disease into submission. To let go of expectations, realistic or otherwise.
I'm not sure if that is a step forward in acceptance of the progressive nature of Sjogren's; or if it represents a serious defeat in my battle with autoimmune disease.
I'm thinking it's a step forward. Next year as I get out the Thanksgiving decorations and start covering every flat surface with turkeys, perhaps I will feel better than this year. Or the same. Or worse. I'll just have to take whatever I'm given. And it will simply have to be OK.