Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My conscience is a powerful thing. Right now it's relentlessly prodding me to make a public confession. 

(Julia takes a deep breath). OK, OK already. Are you ready for this?

I ate THREE brownies. There. I've admitted it. 

I have been baking brownies for a fundraising event, pans and pans of them. My house is filled to overflowing with irresistible brownie fumes. After two days and five batches, I caved. Once I allowed myself to taste just one nibble, I was a goner. Before I knew it, my mouth was full and t-shirt covered in fudgey crumbs. 

I'm waiting for the diet police to appear at my doorstep tonight. I can hear the doorbell ringing now. 

"Could you step outside, ma'am?"

What's this all about, Officer? And why are you wearing a spandex uniform that showcases your trim physique and rippling, toned muscles?

"Had a complaint issued for the resident at this address. You live here?"

What kind of complaint?

"Releasing intoxicating aromas into the neighborhood at will. With abandon. Repeatedly."

Oh, really? Since when is baking brownies a crime? 

"Watch your attitude ma'am. Won't help your case."

What case? 

"Statute nine-oh-four-seven-six-twelve-and-a-half states specifically that pudgy individuals shall not place themselves at risk of increasing their pudginess by willfully producing tempting baked goods that may be consumed in large amounts...........say, what's that on your shirt, ma'am?" 

Um, nothing, Officer...

"Yep. Just as I thought. Brownie crumbs. OK, we have an offender here. Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to come downtown for questioning."

They're not mine! Really, I was just holding them for a friend!

"That's what they all say. Come along peacefully or I'll have to call for backup."

A curly-haired sweaty man wearing striped, alarmingly short shorts rushes to my side. Richard Simmons??

"Julia! Girl!! You have worth!! You can do it!! You can conquer those brownies!!"

Do I hear exercise music? Wait - Sweatin' To The Oldies? Gaaaaaaaaaaa! Someone save me....... 

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